


Voicemail

by orphan_account



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Domestic romance, Happy Ending, Hoseok loves Hyunwoo, M/M, NO DEATHS, Unhealthy Relationships, a bit too much, implied/reference self-harm/suicide/depression, showho, still cute
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-04
Updated: 2018-05-04
Packaged: 2019-05-02 05:26:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,196
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14537631
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Why was being happy so hard?He doesn’t find the answer nor does he thinks one exists. This must be written in the stars and he doubts he has right to be angry since those very stars lead Hyunwoo to him.alt. Wonho pops out of the almighty gay closet and his family don't take too well to the news.





	Voicemail

Grey mixed white, ashes dissolving, the evening sky bids him farewell. Ice on his fingertips as he boards the train, curious eyes of the station staff glance over him. The Departures area is almost abandoned while arrivals were booming. Children and babies, crying and tugging on their parent's winter coats.

This was home, everyone came home in the midst of the icy December. A last-ditch effort to return home in time for Christmas dinner.

No one leaves home.

Nobody but Hoseok and a group of teenagers, looking like they're running away from home to the big city.

They don't speak, Hoseok's head tucked inside layers of woolen scarves. Nothing to keep him company but the dreary sky and the constant buzzing in his pocket.

He pulls it out.

_Incoming call_  
_Jiho(Bro)_

He doesn't answer it, rather letting the call accumulate to the already long list of miss calls.

He shrugs it off, he doesn't know why he even bothers to check.

Or so he tells himself.

But he does know, as much as he tries to deny it. Every time he feels the buzz, he secretly wishes it was Hyunwoo. It was ridiculous but the sinking feeling gets worst each time.

The more he thinks about it, the more his throat constricts, tears threaten to spill. He really should just phone the other or anyone for that matter but how could he? How could he when he knew they would rush to his side?

That was selfish and he was grown, he should be able to deal with the consequences of his actions alone. He had known the implication of revealing the nature of his relationship with Hyunwoo to his family.

And yet, it kills him to know his assumptions were right all along.

Oh, no, he feels them slip, warm salty trails down his cheek.

He burrows his head further into the scarf, refusing to let out so much as a whimper.

He's exhausted by the time he reaches their shared apartment. Entering into the darkness, each step he takes is accompanied by another wave of tears. It's only a matter of seconds till he's sobbing into the pillow.

The bed smells of Hyunwoo and it makes his crying only more desperate. He wants to be comfortable, he wants to be cradled and smothered. He wants someone to tell him that it's alright.

But was it really?

Hoseok is starting to doubt himself and he hates it. It makes him feel nauseous, disgusted with himself for spoiling his parent's Christmas, for ruining a time that should be joyous and all about family.- but no, Hoseok had to screw all that over because of what?

Because he was gay?

Because he was in love with Hyunwoo?

No, he had been all of that before and it had nothing to do with his family, nothing at all.

The regret keeps clawing up his throat, telling him he was better off before. Back when his parents thought they could save some cash because Hoseok had scored a cheap apartment with a nice roommate. Everything was okay, so why did he have to fuck it up with some grandeur coming out of the closets?

He knew why.

Every moment he spent in his home kept reminding him.

Just how long was going to live a lie? He could only think about the things he didn’t want. He didn’t want his parents to be angry, he didn't want to disappoint them, he didn't want to disgust them.

And yet he did.

Somewhere hidden underneath all of his doubts, Hoseok had wanted to something. There had to be something to gain, something irrevocably more valuable than the risk of losing his family.

Now, in the stillness of the empty apartment, he could only think about those things. The grand prize, the jackpot, the lotto that he had thrown his life savings into and came out empty handed. Those were the only things that hushed his tears and made feel a little better.

Slipping off is clothes and sliding into bed, he lets his imagination run off with him.

In the warmth of the comforter, surrounded by the scent of his boyfriend, Hoseok thinks about everything he's ever wanted in the last few days.

It's crystal clear, he can see every last detail like it’s obvious as the cold of the snow.

He thinks how nervous Hyunwoo would be, how he would shyly offer the bottle of whiskey to Hoseok's father. He can see his mom leading them inside through the hallways decorated with embarrassing baby pictures. Hoseok would watch in amusement because Hyunwoo wouldn't know who's who due to Hoseok and his brother looking so much alike. Hoseok would slip away into the kitchen to help his mother while his brother and Hyunwoo talk about sports. He would find all his favorite snacks and gather all pickles his mother made especially for him. He would tell Hyunwoo stories about all the hiding places he used when he was younger, he would show him all the damages they've done to the house. His mother would soon dig out Hoseok's school photos and Hoseok would slink away in shame as Hyunwoo laughed at his emo stage. He would watch as his father pours Hyunwoo a drink and Hyunwoo would hesitantly accept it. Then they would laugh because both of Hoseok's parents are heavy drinkers and his mother would gulp down a shot as Hyunwoo watches in stunned silence.

He wants to show Hyunwoo all the little figurines he collected from the arcade during his high school days. He actually wants to take Hyunwoo there, so they can ride go-karts like the dates his friends would take their girlfriends on.

He can imagine Hyunwoo making friends with the neighbor's dog which would lead to a conversation as to why Hoseok never had a dog. Then Hoseok would explain the embarrassing story about how his brother and he fought over getting a cat or a dog. Since they never made up their mind, they didn't get either. Hyunwoo would make some off-handed comment about how stubborn Hoseok is and Hoseok would roll his eyes.

He can see his father and Hyunwoo getting along, talking about politics and the economy, all the while teasing Hoseok for his lack of alcohol tolerance. Red-faced and wobbly Hoseok would let Hyunwoo guide him to his bedroom where they would cramp up on the bed. His brother would come in and make a sex joke and would abandon their shared room for the couch.

Their Christmas would end with Hoseok practically sleeping on top of Hyunwoo because of the lack of space. They should've joined the two single beds up but both are too intoxicated. Hoseok would burrow himself into Hyunwoo’s chest, the scent of cologne and alcohol lulling him to sleep.

That would be ideal but instead, Hoseok spends his Christmas evening on a most desolated train. He's alone in their bed by 10 pm with nothing but his own regrets to keep him company.

He regrets telling his parents he's gay, he regrets spoiling their Christmas but he never once does regret actually being gay.

He regrets the look on their faces when he tells them that his roommate is actually his boyfriend. He regrets the look of disgust because he knows they’re thinking about him being intimate with another male. It makes them sick with disgust and he regrets every last word that left his mouth. However, he doesn’t regret living with Hyunwoo, he doesn’t regret melting into his boyfriend's arms, he doesn’t regret a second of offering himself to the other.

And he hates it, he hates and regrets how their faces turn stony when he says Hyunwoo’s name. Like they automatically detest him just because Hoseok is dating him, like he isn’t worthy of their consideration. He regrets the way they think they know Hyunwoo, how they lump him together with those ‘fags’ from the city. He hates how they’ve never met him and yet, they say his name with such loathing. It makes Hoseok sick to the stomach and he regrets it but never, not once, did he regret Hyunwoo.

He could never.

To regret Hyunwoo would be impossible.

To regret Hyunwoo would be regretting the past two years of his life. It would be regretting the person he’s become. To regret Hyunwoo would regretting each and every night he fell asleep in those arms, every second of their late night conversation and intoxicated confession, every single one of those café dates and beach walks.

To regret Hyunwoo would be to regret being happy.

He doesn’t. He can't. He won't.

Still, why was being happy so hard?

He doesn’t find the answer nor does he thinks one exists. This must be written in the stars and he doubts he has right to be angry since those very stars lead Hyunwoo to him.

The 68th call from his brother comes through. He watches the led flash before the phone shuts off, it’s battery finally empty.

He should charge it because Hyunwoo might phone to say goodnight but he decides against it.

He wants to be strong but he knows he’ll crumble at the sound of his boyfriend's voice.

And Hyunwoo?

Hyunwoo would run to his side, come rain, come hail, he would leave everything behind.

And Hoseok?

Hoseok would have successfully ruined Christmas for two families.

No, there had to be a limit to his selfishness.

Or so he tells himself as he clings to Hyunwoo’s pillow, trying to cry out the last of his energy. Exhausted, emotionally and physically, his body turns numb under the spell of sleep and he surrenders.

He sleeps like the dead, only waking when he feels parched throat's plea for some liquid. Red-eyed and freezing, he stumbles into the shower. He feels like he ran a marathon, the soles of his feet, lower back and shoulders ache. The steaming hot water melts away the residue of yesterday and he can finally breathe properly. It's as if he’s woken from a nightmare but the demons exist here too.

But today it’s different. Today he’s in his home, surrounded by everything that his and Hyunwoo’s. Now in his element, Hoseok thinks he can weather storm.

No, he wants to weather this storm. He wants to fight this battle because it was one he started and he would end it or maybe never stop fighting for it.

And it doesn't phase him if he didn’t win because he was prepared to fight it to his death. If he never stopped fighting, then he would lose.

Refreshed and warmer, he plugs his phone charger in after slipping into one of Hyunwoo's hoodies. He's practically smothered his skin in warm oil, enjoying how the inner sheets glided against his bare legs. Tucked in once again with a tall glass of water by his side. Hoseok waits for his phone to charge a bit more before switching back on.

He needed to phone his parents and brother, he needs to explain himself. He needs to apologize for running out and not standing his ground, he needs to let them know that Hyunwoo’s been around for a while and will stay around for even longer.

Most importantly, he wants to tell them that he's in love.

But before that, there’s one other person he needs to phone. Before trekking down the treacherous call to his parents, he needed to recharge his own batteries. Even though their miles apart, Hyunwoo’s voice would suffice.

It’s still dim outside and he wonders if Hyunwoo is even awake.

He soon finds his answer barging through the door. Wide-eyed and panting, Hyunwoo’s heavy footsteps resemble a marching band. Before Hoseok can even get out of bed, the elder swings the bedroom door open.

Hoseok would like to think he knows Hyunwoo pretty well, maybe not entirely but mostly. He hadn't seen this side before or has he?

The look on his face is a mix of sheer panic and anxiety. The plaid shirt falls haphazardly off his shoulder as he falls against the frame of the door, struggling to gain his breath.

His eyes, however, are as vigilant as ever, stay fixed on Hoseok. There’s warning in those dark pools and Hoseok doesn’t know what to say.

“I was going to phone-“

“When?” the harsh tone alone has a ball forming in Hoseok’s throat.

“I…I” folds of duvet gather into Hoseok’s fist as he struggles to articulate himself.

“You what Hoseok?” the elder yells in frustration, his hands swiftly tugging the plaid shirt off.

It’s cold but Hyunwoo’s pressure is through the roof.

“Now,” Hoseok swallows, “ I was going to phone you now.”

Hyunwoo nods his head, mockingly,”Yeah, of course, you were. After me calling your phone like a madman last night, after messaging every one of your friends. Now you were going to phone. NOW!”

Hoseok faces heats up, eyes brimming with water. No, no, he was supposed to deal with things today, He can’t spend another running away, not when he needed Hyunwoo hold him.

But this Hyunwoo was something he’s never encountered. This Hyunwoo with messy hair, sunken red-eyes, yelling in frustration and anger was something completely different. Hyunwoo doesn’t get mad, Hyunwoo doesn't lose his cool but he did for Hoseok.

Hoseok brought him all the way here to make him angry.

Why was he always hurting the people he loved?

“I’m sorry,” truth be told, Hoseok’s mind is only filled with ways of appeasing Hyunwoo.

He doesn’t think further as to how the other knew he was here or why the other was so worried.

He gets to knees, his bare legs cold against the morning shiver. He doesn't know whether to approach the other. Hyunwoo is running his hand through his hair as he tries to compose himself. His breath evens out but his heart still threatens to break his ribcage.

He doesn’t want to talk, too afraid of screaming, too afraid of making Hoseok afraid.

“Your brother phoned me,” he sighs, eyeing his Hoseok.

Hoseok stares at him like a child that just wants attention. Eyes stained red, Hyunwoo knows he’s cried himself to sleep and it kills him.

It drives him down right insane.

Letting his own knees sink into the bed, Hyunwoo cups the younger's face roughly,”They, he said a lot of things had happened. He was worried and your parents. I'm was worried.”

His voice cracks as he speaks against Hoseok's lips, forehead to forehead.

Hyunwoo is burning up, the warmth of his almost burning Hoseok.

Rough thumbs come to brush away Hoseok's tears, Hyunwoo's voice no more than a whisper,”I couldn't stop thinking, I couldn't stop seeing you. Every time I closed my eyes all I could see was you covered in blood. Every time I got your voicemail, I kept imagining you floating in a river or bleeding out on our floor. Just the thought of coming home to lose you."

Hyunwoo's hand trembles, his voice hoarse and raw with emotion.

It all comes back to Hoseok like a dream he struggles to remember after a night of heavy drinking.

He lowers his gaze in shame,”I’m not like that anymore.”

He used to be though.

It used to be just him and the many voices in his head. It used to be just him in the dark. It used to be just him and his will trying to fight their way through life.

It used to be just him but now it’s them. It’s Hyunwoo who found him bleeding out, just a day shy of their second date. It's Hyunwoo who cleaned and bandaged his wounds. It's Hyunwoo who never spoke a word of judgment. It's Hyunwoo who ordered fried chicken and turned the night Hoseok could have died into date night. Now it was Hyunwoo who would seasonally hide all the knives.

Because knives were the best because Hoseok loves to watch knives slice through butter like it was his flesh.

Because it was finite because Hoseok wanted to split himself into two. He wanted to cut away the part of him that struggled, the part of him that wanted to hurt, the part of him that told him he was better off dead, the same part that was jealous of everything that was alive.

But it was impossible unless he was killing himself.

He understands that now, he doesn’t want that now but the regret.

The regret haunts him. He never wanted to put his family in that position. He never ever wanted Hyunwoo to see him like that. He wanted to attend college like a functioning human would and become independent and self-sufficient.

He didn't want to be a burden but look what's done.

There's warm tears but not his own.

He's never seen Hyunwoo cry.

_Selfish, selfish, always thinking of yourself while thinking no one was thinking about you._

Hoseok launches into Hyunwoo's chest, his arms wrapping around his neck. The scent alone is comforting and Hoseok just feels so sorry.

“I’m fine,” he smiles through his tears, pushing Hyunwoo away as he frantically gathers the sleeves of the hoodie.

He presents his wrists proudly,”See, I’m fine Hyunwoo. Look, there’s nothing. Look.”

_Please don't hurt._

“LOOK!” he yells as he gets to feet, almost slipping off the side of the bed.

_Please don't cry._

Hyunwoo stables him by grabbing the bare legs as he stares up at his boyfriend.

Chest heaving, Hoseok pulls the hoodie over his head. His naked skin spring to life with goosebumps. It’s cold but Hoseok endures, he’s frantic as he struggles to keep his balance but Hyunwoo is there. Hyunwoo seems to always be there, physically or not. He's always on Hoseok's mind, spilling from Hoseok's lips.

“See, there’s nothing, nothing,” he emphasizes by tapping his thigh, not far off from a scar that used to be far more pronounced.

He must look crazy, standing butt naked on his bed as tears flowing down his already puffy face. He doesn't care, this was all of him. Exposed and vulnerable, he offers every last inch of his being because Hyunwoo deserves so much than this.

But this is all Hoseok has to offer.

Hyunwoo accepts it, his gentle hands pulling Hoseok into his arms. Taunt and tan, Hoseok is surrounded by the bronze walls that shield him and heals him. Like a child clinging to his parent, Hoseok feels a wave of relief wash over. The regrets melt away because he knows he would walk this very same path all over again if it meant reaching Hyunwoo.

The elder guides them into the blanket, kicking off his own clothes under the covers. Hoseok finds his spot on the broad chest, like a cat enjoying the sun, he purrs at the warmth.

He doesn’t need to ask to know Hyunwoo is exhausted. He looks like he ran the same marathon Hoseok ran just last night. So Hoseok kisses the salty trails before wrapping himself around his boyfriend. No words were spoken but Hoseok can hear every beat of Hyunwoo’s heart. It’s enough to live for.

 

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading.Sorry for errors  
> Unhealthy relationship tags because of Hoseok's dependence on Hyunwoo. It's cute but by no means, is it healthy


End file.
